i did the thing where i re-read every blog post i’ve written here before writing this one which is never a good idea, lol.
it’s so painful to feel so far removed in years, and in identity, from writing creatively, but i just can’t quit! gotta keep that part of me alive even though my work life is drifting further and further away from a creative field. which i wouldn’t change for anything because i do love this other side of myself.
but anyway, the point is, blogging is hard and it feels dumb (all of the time) but i’m still going to do it so i appreciate you for reading about my dwarf lamp, anxiety, and love of ibiza.
i haven’t felt any motivation to write in the last few months – really since lockdown. i think the drive to start this blog in the first place was because lockdown made us all so inwardly focused and we had the time. but i live my life trying to be more extroverted and outwardly focused than i really am, so any ounce of spare energy i have post work usually goes towards friends, shanty, or cleaning the fridge listening to robyn while my AC sputters black mold and wet breath into the air :-D.
in addition to realizing that this blog has absolutely nothing to do with plants or ditmas, it was sweet re-reading where i was last year at this time – in hudson, in DC, feeling the full weight of covid and the police protests and the election. this weekend, i went to hudson and hugged my parents, went to bars, and felt sweaty next to strangers. very different than last year where i felt more linked to plants and architecture than i ever have because my brain needed something to obsess over other than people. i also was angry, all of the time. about politics, covid, the police. about my life. really everything. i feel guilty now for not having that same anger, because it did motivate me towards action, but it also took a toll.
this isn’t a pretty blog post. my pictures lately have been shit.
i also started a new job. it’s crazy how reinvigorating that is. i feel like a new person and also like my old/true self all at once. i hadn’t started a new job in over four years. i love the feeling of being scared and challenged and inspired at the same time. i also feel like i’m learning a shit load and finally curious again about the news and sustainability in a whole new light. i actually LIKE listening to climate change podcasts now (how to save the planet is the best). i’ll say more about this later.
so yeah that’s all for now. going to try and write more often, proofread less, and steadily retrain my creative brain. i think having a new job, a new start, and a sweaty stranger summer with actual plane tickets booked, is making me feel motivated again. i’m very grateful for that!