i may have lied about the centrality of plants for this blog. now that that’s out of the way, for the last week, all i’ve wanted to talk about has been my anxiety to anyone that would listen (poor steve). my brain has felt totally broken, no matter how many of my coping mechanisms i diligently try out. anyone else feel me? for the first time since the ‘tine began, the big work stress came hurdling back, and i haven’t wanted to take a single picture of a plant(!), read a single page of the goldfinch, or really do much of anything besides focus on getting through *refresh refresh refresh outlook*.

in times like this, i find myself unable to take in serious outside information. it’s fluff or nothing. so this week i watched, honest to god for the first time since 2012, real housewives of beverly hills for about 7 straight hours on sunday, massaging my ego with the promise that i’d never end up looking like a bespoke wax creature. i listened to wellness podcasters tell me how to feel about productivity and week 5 of quarantine on the few morning walks i could muster before sprinting back to my laptop to make sure i hadn’t missed anything.

i’m also ridiculously nostalgic. i think the lack of stimuli has me fantasizing about the prettiest places i’ve ever been. i’ve thought more about the trip i took to hawaii to babysit my cousins for a summer in 2011 more than i ever have before; about being alone in yogyjakarta, indonesia and trying to wander without getting too lost – look at everyone and everything without trying to stare; and about what it would have been like to be preparing for steve and my trip to portugal next month. i have been craving a euro-rave for basically two straight years now, and every time my endorphins peak on a long run with my music blasting i imagine myself sweaty, looking fab, in some portuguese club (any recommendations btw?), and the feeling of waking up the next morning, legs tired, makeup caked, euphoric.

but in POD (plants of ditmas, not “payable on death” which appears to be the name of a death metal band that i now share an acronym with. hi guys! good tidings!) form, here’s the homespun fun i’ve enjoyed this last week.

i’ve made this very fancy tahini granola recipe a few times, but it’s delicious and i just made it this morning subbing a few things (raisins for mulberries, chia for sesame seeds, omit cocao nubs). i LOVE laura wright and the first mess blog. i also made these crispy coconut tofu lettuce wraps last night. mine were not nearly as beautiful as hers but were weird, summery and delicious – three meal descriptors i seek regularly.

bloodline on netflix is the florida panhandle family drama i’ve been needing. FNL coach taylor lookin’ fly as a southern good old boy once again!

reading this 10 hours in ditmas park post made me SO SAD, but also made me realize how wonderful all of these magical spots will be when i can go to them again. get me my gin martin in the sycamore backyard beneath the northern catalpa soon please! *adjusts spectacles*

the one non-fluff thing i have been into is the science versus podcast. i’m finally curious (stable enough to handle?) about the epidemiology of coronavirus – weird that it’s hitting so late? the host is so perky/nerdy/australian that it’s hard to feel stressed.

i went a little crazy and got a few things from aritzia this week, including this ribbed bra which i am really enjoying. also got these slippers from amazon and i am very pleased (looks like they don’t have the grey color i got anymore though!).

this ring is on my wishlist.

lastly, i got tagged in one of those email chain things where you share poems and shit. i don’t know why i felt annoyed initially!? probably because i’m a psychopath?! but then random people started sending me quotes and shit and i cried at a few because i’m an emotional water balloon. one i really liked was this:

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” – Ira Glass

do i have killer taste? i’m not loving the new fiona apple album nearly as much as real housewives this week…

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